Consider yourself warned: PG 13 language

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Girly Drinks for Manly Men?

Anyone who has ever been to a bar has seen it: A man saunters up to the bar and orders the fruitiest drink on the menu. The bartender will usually say, "And....?" reasonably enough because this man should be ordering this type of girly drink for his lady and a nice whiskey for himself. Generally, one of three things happens:

He is actually ordering it for his girlfriend. So fuck off.

He pulls a J.D from Scrubs and owns up to it. This individual will acknowledge that it's a girly drink then happily consume it. Sad fact, he won't realize that an applemartini is a metaphor for his role in all of his relationships.

Who are we kidding? He doesn't have a girlfriend.

Another situation that will happen during the lifetime of a bar-goer: multiple men drinking girly drinks together. They don't pretend that it's for their girlfriends thus we must accept that this phenomenon is caused because one of two reasons:

They're formerly-hood-turned-rich-ballers and can do whatever the fuck they want.

They're a wolf pack of college guys who were rejected from the frat and pretend not to care so they all go out together and think girls will be "all over us--tonight is the night for sure bro" and they'll just sit around acting hard, waiting for the above mentioned (imaginary) girls; then one guy (the one in the middle) will say, "Yo, bros, let's order those girly drinks and the ladies will think we're totally tough yet sensitive and they'll take off their shirts."

No. We won't. Ever. Because we're sitting at the bar laughing at you while we drink beers.

Man Purse? More like why are you carrying that purse, man?

Girlfriend: Carry my bag please.
Boyfriend: Sorry, no.
Girlfriend: Excuse me?
Boyfriend: Okay.

Left: Girlfriend wants you to hold her bag while you take her picture=acceptable.
Right: Girlfriend wants you to hold her (hot pink) bag (with a miniature doll hanging on it) in front of a stadium worth of people=unacceptable.

Tourist Girlfriend: Honey, will you carry my purse?
Tourist Boyfriend: Why babe?
Tourist Girlfriend: It's too heavy and we have so much farther to walk to get to the Empire State building.
Tourist Boyfriend: No prob. (Thinking people will think he's such a nice guy.)
New Yorker who took the picture: Retarded tourist. Bitch, pack lighter. Douche, stop being douchey.

I give up. This one is a multiple choice time:
A. Boyfriend with his own bag, carrying girlfriend's flashy bag.
B. Boyfriend carrying two of his girlfriend's bags.
C. Two boyfriends...what?

Seriously though, if I ever ask my boyfriend to hold my purse it's literally to hold it for a second while I...wait, I don't ask him to hold my purse because that shit is my responsibility.

Big Guys, Little Dogs?

I see it everyday. A big guy and a little dog. I snicker (inside of course since he's a big guy with a little dog and probably already hates himself) and keep on walking my 55 pound pitbull. If the guy doesn't seem self conscious then he walks by me with an expression that screams: "Hey-look-how-I'm-not-compensating-for-something" but then I think, "If you give me that sort of look, you're definitely compensating." But in the end, I give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it's his girlfriend's dog. And by assume, I mean hope.